Beaming

Dear life,

How long are you going to test my love for you by your absence? For now, the empty room of your absence? For now, the empty room of your absence within me echoes with my whispers screaming your name.

I sit in a lonely, dark corner of my own mind. Just to hear those whispers. They somehow seem to calm the demons residing in every cell of my body. You see? Just your name. These whispers, so melodious, yet so empty and useless for I know, no matter what, they just can't reach up to you.

What am I to do? All I can do is sit here, waiting for you, while listening to these whispers of my own until they are replaced by yours. So that is what I do. But soon those ugly and dark thoughts surround me.

Uglier than the chaos of my emotions and darker than this dark corner of my mind, there are the very thoughts responsible for our separation. Their noise drowns my whispers within them. They all look at me with disgust glistening in their eyes. Then they laughed at me, taunt me. They proudly discuss their success story just to make me realize what kind of failure I am. I failed you. It's my fault. Not entirely, though.

I remember how I fought battle against my thoughts everyday. I remember how they used to stab knives in my back. I also remember how you tried to heal my wounds with your kisses each night. Love, even your words are enough, but how could I mind your kisses? You are my strength.

But I was slowly losing. Even if I did not show it to you, I was. The pain got too much to take, too much to hold myself together anymore. I was becoming weaker. It felt like you were slipping away from me, just holding onto the edge.

I kept fighting until breathing becomes impossible, until my lungs gave out, until my heart became heavy, until my legs lost their will. My knees went down and I surrendered and you were snatched away completely. I lost you to my thoughts.

You are taking so long to come back, I am afraid I might fall in love with this routine and forget my need and desire to reach to you, my destination, my life. But I don't mind being a puppet to my thoughts. I don't mind losing myself to them. I lost you to my thoughts. If I lose myself to them too, maybe then we can meet them again in their hellfire someday.

Willing to burn myself just to see you again,

Yours and only yours,

Me.